Reminded

I've been grieving this week for a family who lost their son, grandson and nephew.  A precious boy who was of this earth a short 20 months and whose life was taken 'much too soon' as they say.

And this entire week I've been feeling a knot in my stomach.  Much too soon.  His poor family.  His poor mommy and daddy.  There's nothing I can do for them.  I prayed and prayed and prayed for a resolution in my heart and up until last night I was still feeling like God and I needed to sit down for a long chat together.  I just couldn't shake the knot and I knew there was something I was missing in order to move the energy and find peace.

I suppose it was that God decided to visit while I was delivering my son's newspaper route before sunrise this morning.  I've come to enjoy that hour in the morning when only the birds are awake and the sound of their singing is all you can hear.  As I was walking and thinking and remembering.  I was considering grief and wondering if it really ever ends or if you just get used to living with it lurking inside of you.  I was thinking about my own losses and how the loss of this little boy has opened up the scabby wounds I've been putting bandaids on for all these years hoping they would just heal and go away.

Then it hit me.  The sudden remembrance of something I've known for a long time but couldn't seem to access (maybe those scabby wounds were preventing it).  I remembered what someone shared with me many, many years ago about her own beliefs surrounding death.  She told me her belief was that Souls come here to learn and experience new things.  They are only here until they have learned what they came to learn and do what they came to do and then they exit this life.  The younger the person who has passed on, the less time it has taken them to achieve what they came to achieve.

This mornings remembrance opened the flood gates and I found myself delivering the last of the newspapers in tears.  It felt a little like a great burden had been lifted from my shoulders and the knot in my stomach was instantly gone.  I remember that this belief made so much sense to me when it was shared at the time and it helped me in the moments when my own grief seemed too much to bear.  The knowing of it doesn't take away the grief or the sadness of losing someone special and precious of course.  It can however soothe the sense of responsibility or guilt or regret.  Many things that come with loss.

As I walked back home this morning I sent up congratulations to the brave Soul who came, learned and left.  This made me cry even more but in a different way; with a sense of relief.  

Receiving (and Accepting) Pleasure

**Disclaimer.  This post is about sex.  Or to be more accurate; the lack thereof and the desire to have more sex.  If you are sensitive to this subject do not read further.**

So as I am preparing for bed last night I decided to click on Dr. Christiane Northrup's latest video.

In the video she outlines 6 secrets to a healthy and more satisfying sex life.

Hmmm....

With my 2015 need to find my sexual self (it's been MIA for well over a decade); I eagerly clicked on the video to learn something new.  What happened though was I discovered something entirely different.  All of what Dr. Northrup discusses in her video are things that I know.  I mean I know I know.  I've read the books and seen the movies.  I know this stuff.  So why am I not having the best sex of my life?

Receiving.

That's the problem.  It's not that I can't have the best sex of my life, it's that I'm not WILLING to have the best sex of my life.  "Why on earth would you not be willing?" you might ask.  Well.  I don't really have the concrete answer to that one......yet.  But I will tell you that I know it's has something to do with my beliefs and thoughts surrounding sex.

Dr. Northrup discusses the very real impact that our thoughts and beliefs have on our lives.  Including our sex lives.  For instance, not long into my marriage with my husband we (naturally?) began to have less sex.  Maybe it was the kids; maybe it was boredom; maybe it was that we were taking advantage of the other person always being there.  Whatever the reason, we just weren't getting it on the way we used to.  I suppose one day he was sharing his frustrations or maybe asking advice from my dad (yes I know what you are thinking - he asked your dad about your sex life?  Ewwww.....  Look, he and my dad were best friends WAY before I entered the scene; so get over it).  Anyhoo.  My dads response to this inquiry was that I must be just like my mother.

I love my mother dearly and we have many things in common; it didn't sound as though this was meant as a compliment.  And I think this excuse of my dads was a cop out as to why they may not have been having the greatest sex of their lives; but still.  My parents were also separated and I don't recall any real lovey dovey stuff happening in the kitchen as a kid if you know what I mean.  So immediately I took that comment as a knock out to my libido; and to be honest there were other beliefs in the way as well.  But it hasn't really regained consciousness since.

Which leads me to my 2015 revival *wink*.

So watching Dr. Northrups video made me realize that what is really happening with my libido is that I'm not willing to receive.  I have trouble receiving and accepting pleasure.

Remember back in the day (okay it maybe still exists today) when girls that were assumed to like sex were labelled 'sluts' and 'whores'?  I even had a friend tell me that women who have great sex and like it are control freaks.  Our perception of a great sex life is just a little fucked up.  And my brain is all over that fucked-up-ness.

All of this shit in my brain is bumping up against my acceptance of pleasure.  My brain is basically telling my body 'no go sister; you know what they'll say about you if you like it'.  Despite the fact that I am now 42 years old; married for something like 24 years and happy damnit!

So this morning during our Sunday morning romp I decided to take Dr. Northrups advice and allow myself to RECEIVE THE DAMN PLEASURE!!!  While it didn't have the lightning strike, fireworks effect that I was expecting (I have high expectations for myself in case you hadn't noticed); it did definitely wake up parts of my brain and body that had been shut down for far too long.

So why am I telling you this?  Cause I KNOW I am not alone.  I know that women all over the world are like 'meh' when it comes to sex or you need at least three glasses of wine to let things loose and enjoy yourself (ahem, speaking from experience).  The best sex of my life happens when I'm staying in a motel room 10 hours from home on a 'parents only' trip; eating out and not having to pick up after or feed anybody.  That's my idea of foreplay!

So while I'm not completely out of the woods so to speak with regards to my libido.  It is definitely peaking around the tree and that in itself is freaking miracle!

So if you want a rocking sex life you may have to stop blaming your partner for not knowing where to touch you and start touching yourself or at least admit that you may be putting up the walls and slamming on the brakes because you simply don't think you deserve to receive pleasure.  Either way you're a winner!

You're welcome ;)

Tea With The Queen

If I could have tea with anyone in the world who would I pick?

The Queen.

Not the Queen of England though.  The Queen of Me.

That part of myself that's been locked in a cage for decades.  The part of me I have denied and whom I now realize has all of the answers I need in order to feel complete.  If only I knew where I put the key to that damn cage!

This part of me knows how to be more sensual and eager for deeper intimate connections.  She knows what it feels like to be in love and let that love light up the world.  She knows how to sway as she walks gently and powerfully through life.  She knows.  She can help me.  We need to have tea and chat.

I've come to a phase in my life where I feel I've lost all sense of the woman that I was...am...should be.  I feel as though I have lost the essence of that womanhood.

And maybe I'm looking for something that doesn't exist.  Maybe it's a simple matter of looking in the mirror and loving all that is there in front of me.  On my best days I do and I can.  It still feels as something is missing.

It feels as though there is a hollow space inside of me that is waiting to be inhabited.

This isn't the first time I've felt this way.  Last time I didn't know what I was seeking.  This time I know for sure.  I know that I want to reclaim my womanhood (whatever that really means).  I want to dance barefoot amongst the fireflies and feel my skirt brush against my bare legs when I twirl.  I want to play with abandon and laugh.  I want to laugh and sing and make love like there is nothing else in the world left to do.

My husband is always telling me about the wonderful ways in which I am the perfect woman for him. 

I tease that I think he's blind and deaf.  It makes me cry.  In these moments I feel as though I'm alone on an island and no one is looking for me.  I feel as though I will starve to death in the waiting.

This morning I was sharing all of this with my husband.  I was crying and telling him that I think I am afraid of the part of me that holds this power.  What will happen when I unleash it?  What will life look like?  Will it be too much glorious life for me?  Am I worthy of it?

Only time will tell.  Though one thing is for sure.  I am looking forward to answering those questions.

Now where did I put that damned key?