Today I Bought The Cutest Shoes!

Well....  Technically I haven't 'bought' them yet.  Because I got to the check out and the lady says "Will you be in the city tomorrow?" and I look at her funny, like "Why?  Because you will miss me?" and she says "Because all of our summer stuff including these fabulously cute shoes will be on sale 40% off and I would feel really badly making you pay full price for them today when I know full well they will be on sale tomorrow" AND "I don't mind putting your items aside for you until tomorrow".


Um yes to the "Will you be in the city tomorrow?" question.

And just like that, a week's worth of slummy attitude is gone.  POOF!

And this is how I know God exists.  And may be a woman.  Just sayin'

Procrastination Day

Today was procrastination day.

I didn't do the laundry.  I put off prettying up my garden.  I managed to sneak past the speech I need to write.  I ignored my books.  And refused to make eye contact with the dog hair tumbleweeds that have invaded the house.

Basically, I did nothing.

Basically.

I took a nap on the couch as the raindrops fell on the window.

I listened to some really relaxing music while I stared at the pattern on the cushions.

I watched two episodes of my favorite 'Cupcake Girls'!

I did take a shower.  I didn't fuss with my hair.

I did put on clothes.  I didn't care what I looked like.

It feels like I'm on vacation.  But I'm not.

And as reality starts to rear it's ugly head (the men will be home any minute), I am pleasantly surprised at how well I can procrastinate.

It's an art form really.

And practice makes perfect!

The Perfect Scapegoat

Who is your scapegoat?

We all have one (or many)

They are the person(s) you hold responsible for everything that is going wrong with your life?

You know you have a scapegoat if:

a) you consistently need to call a friend and complain about a certain someone (or many someone's)
b) whenever you are faced with a disappointment you look for fault outside yourself
c) you don't feel you have any control over your reactions to life's never ending list of events

I'm not bringing this idea of scapegoats up to make anyone feel guilty, embarassed or dumb.

In fact, I'm bringing it up for the opposite effect.

To empower you to see beyond what you are projecting out onto others and get you to ultimately take responsibility for EVERYTHING in your life.

We all have this affliction of placing responsibility for our issues on someone other than ourselves.  Why?  Because it's easy.  Taking responsibility for ourselves, our lives and our troubles is hard.

But the truth is, YOU are the only one who can possibly be contributing to your life in any way, shape or form.  So, does placing responsibility on someone else's shoulders do you any good?  No.  Does it get you any further ahead?  No.  Does it somehow make your troubles magically disappear?  No.

You know what does do you good, get you ahead and make your troubles magically disappear?  Yep.  You guessed it.  Taking responsibility.

One way we can do this is to catch ourselves as we are about to go on a rant about how 'so and so' did 'such and such' and made us feel 'this and that'. 

The idea is to have enough courage to stop yourself, reflect on what you are saying and ask yourself 'how am I projecting my shame, guilt, resentment, fear, etc. onto this person and making them responsible for my feelings and my challenges?'

This idea of taking responsibility for yourself is something I've been working on a lot for the past few years.  Sometimes (okay, many times) I slip up and catch myself getting caught up in the blame game.  But what used to take me months to overcome, now only takes me a few hours or a day because I've learned to recognize that anytime I bring someone else into my story I have some digging to do inside of myself.  I've also learned to seek help through trusted friends who will shine the light on my truth and get me to see it for myself instead of fuel the blame game fire.

Here's the other thing you need to remember about any kind of personal discovery or lesson you are learning.  Forgiveness.  You must forgive yourself for engaging in the behavior.  Holding onto a grudge against your self isn't going to make you a big fan of self discovery and may keep you from owning your story. 

So, do yourself a favor, forgive yourself without exception and reap the benefits and rewards of a job well done.

We Are All Victims

But we're not really aware of it.


The truth is we are all victims on some level.  We all believe that a wrong has been done to us (just because we believe it doesn't make it true) and so we blame and hate and judge others to make us feel justified.

The truth is that ignoring our victimhood tendencies keeps us stuck in a cycle of grossness (sorry, I couldn't think of a more appropriate term).

I made the connection that my specific type of victimhood is what you would call 'martyrdom'.  My girlfriend and I were laughing about this realization this morning because it's so ridiculously true, to the point where she has sworn me to never ever ever get involved in another big project again!  She's tired of the bitching and moaning I guess.

The Websters Dictionary defines 'martyr' as a person tortured for a belief or cause;  a person who suffers from an illness.

In my case the word 'martyr' means "a person who BELIEVES they are tortured for a belief or cause".

I say "believes" because it's not real.  It's just a belief in my head that people are after me.  GAH!

You see the martyr in me loves to do big things, all by herself.  She loves to work her ass off doing everything herself without asking for help because (and this is key) it gives her a reason to blame everyone else when things don't go right.  When someone steps on my toes; it's a reason to bitch.  When someone criticizes; it's a reason to moan and judge.  It's perfect!  I do all the work, then whomever gets in my way while I'm doing it becomes the reason why it didn't turn out perfectly!

This is NOT perfectionism people!  This is insanity!

I have a very long list of things I have done in the guise of 'helping' or 'being the hero' only to have the veil lifted to reveal that it was all a set up from the very beginning (an unconscious set up but a set up none the less)! Oh those poor unsuspecting people that got in my way.

I even remember a few years ago after a day of scrubbing my house to cleanly perfection I announced to my family that I was the only person who had any right to dirty the house since it was I (Queen Shit) who did all of the cleaning.  LMFAO!  I remember my husband looking at me with this surprised/half smile look on his face while he said "Really?"

That is a typical martyr.

There are also victims who when faced with any kind of challenge or confrontation fold up into the fetal position and cry until their face is swollen beyond recognition.

Then there are the warriors that will fight and spit and sweat for what they believe to be a 'just' cause.

I used to think I was a warrior.  I think because being a warrior seems more noble than being a martyr or a cry baby.  But none of them is noble, that was a lie I told myself to justify my behaviour.

No matter which victim personality you possess they are all equally exhausting and alienating.

The victim in you might want to take this knowledge and run with it.  Turn it into another reason to get all pissed off and self righteous.  If you can take a deep breath right about now and really look at the ridiculousness of your victim self you will feel much better and you will be breaking the cycle.  Like when the people took down the Berlin Wall, they had to chisel away at it to make it fall.  The wall is a projection of what we feel in our life everyday; restriction, stagnation.  You can do the same thing to your victim self.  You can chisel away at it by looking at it, denying it power over you by laughing at it or at least minimizing it and then forgiving yourself for buying into the stories your victim self has told you.

Anything your victim self tells you is a lie.  It's a lie because it wants you to believe you are NOT the powerful, wise being that you are.

The victim self wants you to believe that you are small, insignificant, wrong and well, a victim.  None of that is true.

Triggered!

Everybody has experienced a time or two (or three thousand) where a situation, comment or action triggers us and sends us into an emotional tailspin.

When suddenly the mole hill we've been dealt becomes Mount Everest and logic goes out the window and we immerse ourselves in the passionate distress of the moment.

I had one of those moments this week.

Immediately, my body felt like it had been kicked in the stomach and I took on feelings of betrayal, entitlement and victimhood.

An ugly combination for sure!

Fortunately, I was aware of why I was feeling this way, the past memory I held onto and the connection it had to this new situation.  I was able to acknowledge it and through the kindness of a listening friend was able to say the words out loud "I feel betrayed.  I feel like just once I would like something for myself.  I feel like I can't trust this person again".  I was able to release the emotion that was stirring inside of me and cried from a place so deep inside of me that I knew that I was getting rid of something that was holding me back.

This is something I've always struggled with.  Being emotionally authentic.  I'm always good with the feel good stuff, but when it comes to what I judge as the 'uglier' emotions I just don't allow myself to be real.  This time though I was able to be real and honest about these feelings.  It's hard to speak out loud some of the things that I did that day.  It's hard to admit sometimes because I would just prefer to be happy and joyful all the time and ignore the moments of rage, disappointment and resentment. 

The great thing is that saying them out loud, letting my emotion come out and honouring all of it, shone a light on the trigger and it almost instantly melted away.

In fact, not only was the trigger gone but over the next couple of days I began to see that by moving through this situation I was able to release something that I had no idea was still lurking around inside of me.

I began to see the gift in the situation instead of stewing about how someone had 'done me wrong'.

Because really at the end of the day, it's never about the person who brings the trigger to your attention.  It's all about you and how you respond and heal yourself.

Crazy Stuff!

So I did it.  I pulled the plug on facebook.  My journey to a facebook addiction free life has begun.

And it sucks.

I mean really, really sucks.

All of my insecurities are flooding in.

It's like someone unlocked the door to the insane asylum and the occupants have taken up residence in my head!

I really had no idea the extent of my addiction, or that the withdrawal symptoms would be so intense.

I feel completely out of the loop.  My imagination is running wild.

It reminds me of this one time when I was a teenager.  My mom and my sister were going somewhere together (I think grocery shopping) and they asked if I wanted to go with them.  I remember refusing their invitation and being adamant that I did not want to spend time with them that day.  I was hell bent and determined NOT to go along with them.

The entire time they were gone my mind went wild.  I had envisioned my mom and sister having lunch at a fantastic restaurant, laughing and having fun without me.  I think at one point I had even convinced myself that they had gone to one of those party restaurants kinda like Chuck E Cheese or something and I felt totally shitty about saying no to going with them.  I felt left out, out of the loop.  I sat on the porch and waited for them to return.  I didn't have fun on my own and basically wasted a whole day wishing I was somewhere I wasn't.

Of course when they returned I realized they really did just go to get groceries and there was nothing to worry about, I didn't miss out on anything.

So I'm probably not missing anything at all.  And all the crazy stuff in my head is just that....crazy stuff....in my head.

I am finding it interesting to see where this decision is taking me emotionally.

But as interesting as it is....  I hope it ends soon!

Live

I was listening to this song on the radio today as I was driving to the city.

The chorus simultaneously brought tears to my eyes and a smile to my heart.

"I wanna live like there's no tomorrow;  love like I'm on borrowed time;  it's good to be alive"

And I got thinking about all of the things that have been on my mind lately and in my heart and on my nerves.

And this song played and I realized how easy it would be for me to forget, forgive and let go of it all and live like there's no tomorrow and love like I'm on borrowed time.

Easy cheesy.

I could see it in my mind, I could feel the happiness flowing through me as I drove along the expressway.

So, why have I been holding back?

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I don't know................

{shrug}

Knee Deep

Sometimes you have to do what scares the shit out of you in order to make real changes in your life.

You can quote me on this one.

So many times I have felt a nudge to do something out of the ordinary (strange even) and fought it.

I fight hard too, I put the gloves on, pulled on my shiny fighting shorts and started dancing around the ring.

I like the fight.  It feels productive.  It feels like I'm really doing something good.

But that's the ego's deception.  The ego thinks resistance is productive.  When in reality resistance is the enemy of creativity and abundance.

And sometimes I go into 'I wish I wouldn't have read that book, or listened to that speaker' because that seems to be where the nudge developed from.

If only I could keep my head in the sand, I wouldn't have to change.  I could be blissfully ignorant and pain free!

Nah! That's just more ego games being played in the recesses of my mind.

My truth is that I enjoy the shit.  I enjoy mucking through it with my pretty pink rubber boots.  I love the feeling of elation when I've survived the swamp!  I know I've accomplished something when I can look back on where it all began and see all of the good it has done me.

I find I need to constantly remind myself that what is right for me and good for me isn't going to necessarily be right for someone else.  Where I am ready to make some drastic changes and move forward may not be where everyone else is at.  It's individual.

I remind myself of this when I am being challenged by someone who doesn't understand my desire for change.  I remind myself of this when I am doubting my strength and resolve.  I remind myself of this when I feel like I need to quit.

Don't quit.

Because if you quit, you will find yourself knee deep in shit and if you've gone half way you might as well finish it off instead of wasting your energy going back to where you started.

Too Long of a Facebook Post

I was checking my Yahoo email for messages when I stumbled upon this headline.
Are you Mom enough? 

Really? 

Like we don't already have enough competition in the motherhood category? 

And who on God's green earth thought it was ever a good idea to promote being in so much control of your children that you need them with you 24/7! 

Can you say "high stress level".

I can see these young mothers with these ideals stuck in their head that they 'should' be able to maintain a stellar home and cook television quality meals while their infant is strapped to them and their 3 year old is asking to be breastfed and they haven't slept in 12 months because they are all sleeping in the 'family bed'!

Give ME a break!!!

I can see headline's down the road that say "New Development:  Attachment parenting cause of rise in heart attack's in young mothers"

And let me tell you that the genius that thought this up probably didn't even consider the post 'attachment parenting' effects of this strategy on the teen years!

As a mother of teenagers who were rather affectionate and loving as a young boys; I can't imagine spending the years 0-12 coddling my child and doing everything 'just so' just to have them reject me in their quest for adulthood.

Because they do reject you.  It's nature's way of preparing them for their own life.  If you watch the animals of the world you will see that most mothers will actually kick their children out of the nest/family to encourage them to move on and become strong in their skills and senses.  Not because they don't love them but because they DO love them!

I'm guessing the promoter of this parenting style is a therapist (no disrespect to the profession).  Just my guess.  This would be the ideal way of increasing your clientele down the road.

I think this strategy needs some serious re-evaluation if parents are to maintain their sanity in an already tough job.

And the headline:  Are you mother enough?

It needs to say 'are you mother enough' to love yourself through your child's disrespectful behaviour, dirty language, refusal to eat foods that are good for them, recreational drug/alcohol use, teen pregnancy and refusal to acknowledge your existence?

If you can do all of that and still love yourself.  Then I declare you MOTHER ENOUGH!

Kicking The Habit

For about a year now I've been thinking about kicking my facebook habit.

You'd think this would be an easy thing to decide; it wasn't.

First of all, there are so many wonderful people that I've connected with on that site that I love being in touch with.  My family whom I rarely see can be instantly updated on what's going on in my life and I theirs.  When I have an event or workshop planned, facebook is a super easy way to get the information out to the masses.  What if I miss something 'important'?  What if everyone forgets about me?  What if my business fails because I'm not on facebook?
I am addicted to facebook.  And my addiction goes deeper than just checking on friends status' updates and the pleasure of wasting precious time.  My addiction plays on my need for approval and acceptance.  It is also often an outlet to feed my pain body the drama that it needs to maintain it's strength.  My life has become nothing more than a potential status update.

Seriously!

I need to break my dependency on this addiction so that I can move forward.  In fact, I've set a quit date and I've begun the emotional phase of releasing something that had become so prominent in my life.

I reasoned with myself for a long time about this decision.  The beliefs that I  held about my presence on facebook kept me there, enthralled by the stories people would tell and my own stories as well.

The reality is I think I've outgrown it.

I've outgrown the need to be involved in everyone's business.  It's exhausting.

Oh, I've heard the argument "I'm just checking on statuses, I'm not getting INVOLVED"  Don't kid yourself (like I have), even if you are just checking up on someone you are getting involved in their business.  If you are deliberately going there, then you are deliberately getting into someone else's stuff that has nothing to do with you.  How many times have you strolled over to 'Joe Smith's' page to find a post that you find horribly offensive?  Did your heart rate go up?  Did you feel the need to put in your two cents?  If yes, you are involved.  Just sayin'

Anyway.  I've decided on a 30 day facebook fast.  I know there will be lots of things I will miss, but that there will be so much more to gain from the experience.  Maybe the gains will outweigh the stuff I miss and I'll stay away for good, or maybe I'll see that it really did in some mysterious way enhance my life and I'll return.

Or maybe I'll chronicle my experience and write a book about it.

Hmmmm, now there's an idea!

A Sure Thing

The more you learn about yourself, the more you will be faced with challenges that will stretch you.

That's what life is about.

Learning is a sure thing.

Learning and change are constant.  They never take a break.

Like when you were a child and you started to read.  As soon as you mastered the easy books, you moved up a level and began to read small chapter books.  Once that level was conquered you could move on to bigger books with smaller typing and more indepth storylines.  You didn't stop.  You kept going, challenging yourself to the next level.

Now some of life's challenges are a bit more intense than the challenge of a new book, but they are necessary in moving you forward.

Recently, I've done some waking up to truths about myself that need some addressing, and just like magic there were experiences that showed up to help me along.  Challenging?  Yes.  Exhausting?  Yes.  Frustrating?  Yes.  Necessary?  Absolutely!

Have you ever experienced a sudden onset of one thing after another after another?  First, your washing machine breaks, then you are snubbed by your best friend, you bump your head or you experience a fender bender on your way to the grocery store.

All of these seemingly little things have come into your reality to help you cement what you have learned about yourself.  Maybe you've just realized you love to over react, maybe you find you make a mountain out of a mole hill all the time (I myself suffer from this affliction quite often) and you want to change that behaviour. 

"Oh good!" says the Universe.

And then WHAM, BAM, Thank you Ma'am you are thrown into situations that have you 'practicing' non-reaction.

Isn't that GREAT!  {smile}

So, if you have been walking along, minding your own business when suddenly you've been smacked with an onslaught of disturbing situations.  Take a look at what you have recently discovered about yourself, or what you have been praying for guidance about. 

Things don't just happen.  They happen for a reason and most often than not we are the ones who have asked for them to happen (though we thought they would look a bit differently than they do).

Let's Talk About Swearing

Shall we?

There seems to be a sudden rise in the number of people offended by swearing these days.  Or maybe they are just now getting around to speaking up about it.  Or maybe I am just now noticing they are offended.

I for one am not offended by swearing.

If I had a dime for every swear word that came out of my mouth I could put a kid through college. 

Though I have noticed my tendency to let F bombs fly is at an all time low these days. 

This morning I found a facebook post that addressed swearing and spirituality.  This person was questioning why some who regard themselve as being very spiritual still swear.  She asks: aren't spiritual teachers supposed to set a good example? Aren't they the ones who are supposed to be showing the way? 

Hmmm.

First of all, I think we would all do ourselves a HUGE favour by removing the word 'spiritual' from our vocabulary.  Simply because 'spiritual' isn't really a description of anything; mostly it leaves it up to every individual to place their own expectation on what 'spiritual' is and how a 'spiritual' person behaves.  This is where we run into problems.  Since everyones expectation will be based on what they need personally.

I learned a long time ago that if I am offended by something I need to take a good long look at who I am and where I am offended with my own behaviour.

If I choose a path that another deems 'spiritual' I do not choose it to be condemned by others.  I choose it because it feels right to me (my path consists of personal growth and nothing else.  Finding my true self and honouring that part of me is my ultimate goal.  It has nothing to do with anybody else).

Some think 'spiritual' people shouldn't swear because it's negative.  But wouldn't placing our expectations on how 'spiritual' people should behave and how they should set examples for others makes us judgemental and critical.   Equally negative I believe. 

What about giving someone permission to speak their truth no matter what language they use and honouring and respecting them for doing so?  This might be a more positive way to deal with the situation.

I've been on the receiving end of these expectations MANY times.  What someone else believes about me is their business.  I am a human being, I swear, I make mistakes, I have moments when I want to crawl under a rock and I spend everyday learning more and more about myself.  For another human being to deem me 'less spiritual' because of my language is ridiculous.  We came here as spiritual beings to learn how to do a human being job. 

And I intend to do just that.  Swearing and all.