Speaking in Tongues

WARNING:  this post might confuse the heck out of you.  Do not operate heavy machinery while reading this post.  Do not attempt to cook a meal while reading this post.  Taking too long to read this post might make you as crazy as I am.  You've been warned!


I might be better off today, if I wrote in some mysterious ancient language.  At least it might seem more exotic or mysterious.

Instead it's just going to be me trying to piece words together that may or may not make sense.

Because lately, it feels like english doesn't make sense to me.  In fact, nothing about my life is making any sense to me.  I feel a bit like I'm walking in a fog and God only knows if I'm about to step off the edge of the earth.

I know there are things I need to do, clients to see, dinners to make and still I feel like my eyes are only half open.  I had to keep looking down at myself to make sure I had gotten dressed today because even in my 'going out of the house' clothes, I feel like I'm still in my pj's.

Does anyone else feel like they need to stay in bed for a week (you can nod and agree if you want to, no one can see you)?

Maybe it was that asteroid that nearly hit earth the other day and shifted the gravitational pull (or something like that, I wasn't paying attention).

It's not just me.

I got home from a meeting this afternoon to see that my youngest decided to take a nap.  He's eleven, so any chance of him agreeing to lay down in the middle of the day is nil!

I think I've sprouted 10 different personalities over the past month.  And they all want air time....  It's ridiculous!

I mean, I can't even think of 10 names to call them!

I wonder what would happen if I gave them each their own blog??? 

Hmmmmm

I might as well be walking through life backwards these days.  At least that way I'd have a better view of what I've missed.

At the bakery today, I handed the girl a $10 bill and then waited for change.  She stood there staring at me because I had my hand out and my change purse open to receive change.  She said "did you need a bag or something?" and I looked at her, looked at my purse and realized the total was $10 and there would be no change. 

Yep, I'm good for a laugh these days.

Gosh I feel so fucked up dazed and confused....

Aren't you glad you popped over today for a visit?

Blech!

Never Alone

I finally had time to take a walk this morning. 

The sun was shining, birds singing, breeze blowing.  Beautiful.

I use my walk time to meditate (yes you can walk AND meditate at the same time, but only if you are talented as me), sometimes I pray, sometimes I allow my mind to go over and over the silly stories it plays.

This morning I was having an inner discussion with myself about a project I'm embarking on.  I really don't know where it is taking me, or even how it is all going to work out.  I'm trying to have as much faith as possible because I know that everything is always the way it needs to be.

Just as I was asking myself (or whomever was listening) a question about which direction to take next I looked down and saw a fluffy white feather sitting in the grass next to the sidewalk.

I looked around to see if there was a bird lying dead somewhere.  Nope.  Just the feather.

Hmph.

I picked it up and started walking again.

I'm a little slow in the mental department sometimes and though I recognized the feather as a symbol of faith my mind still asked it's questions and did it's wondering.

Another feather.

This one a little longer and a little more firm, stronger.

Okay.  Message received.

We are never alone.  This is becoming abundantly clear!

Poor Me......

There seems to be a whole lot of "poor me" going around lately.

Maybe it's something in the air?

Yesterday I had lunch with my mother in law and she said something that totally hit the nail on the head.

She said "Life is tough....get a helmet!"

Why do we spend so much time in 'victim' role?  Why do we waste so much energy on accumulating sympathy as we share our 'poor me stories'?

If we are so preoccupied with being a victim, how are we going to be successful? 

We cannot 'survive' if we are constantly living as a victim.

Playing the victim is a byproduct of giving your power away.

Playing the victim is not attractive and does not attract the kind of people into your life that will support you in your healing, instead it will attract people into your life that enjoy hearing your hardship stories which really means, they like to listen to all the shit you've been through because it makes them feel better about themselves.  Are these the kinds of people you want surrounding you?

The jury is still out on whether or not playing victim for even 5 minutes in your life is worth it.  What is the pay off?  What's the reward?

There's no prize at the end of your life for the person with the most dramatic story.  In fact, if you listen to that victim story for too long, you may just believe it and for sure it's going to become more and more dramatic each time you tell it, because let's face it, the bigger the response from the person you are sharing with the bigger that story gets.

Victim stories don't always sound like whining, sniveling and crying.  Sometimes they are filled with anger and so we don't hear them or see them as victim stories, but they are.

Oh, and I equally enjoy watching a victim justify their behaviour with "it's because of the abuse, the neglect, the abandonment, etc.".

Right.....  I totally believe you!

 

Boundaries and Beyond

We've all spent countless hours considering our goals, creating vision boards and visualizing our futures right down to the tiniest detail.

How many of us have spent that much time (if any time at all) confirming and setting our boundaries?

This was an 'AHA' moment that I had this morning.

It's easy for us to feel violated, encrouched upon and irritated when our boundaries haven't been defined.

For instance, even though I work from home, I still like for my children to ease back into my "space" gently when they arrive home from school.  My youngest loves to fly in, throw his face into mine and start explosively sharing the events of his day (anyone that has met Mr. Benjamin will know that he doesn't do anything less than explosive).  Even though I know that he is going to do this, it still can set me into a mood.

I can't place blame on him, I haven't verbalized my boundaries (and quite frankly until yesterday I didn't really know that this situation needed to be a boundary at all).

The point is that every day we walk around with unset boundaries and we wonder why we feel walked on, taken advantage of and abused.  We wonder why people are constantly putting their expectations on us.

As a business person, I've had many occasions where my boundaries (invisible as they are) have been crossed, that I find myself doing something in the name of 'business' and 'making money' and then feeling horribly about it afterwards.

It's time to set some firm (yet flexible) boundaries.  It's time to give myself permission to say "here's what I will accept and here's what I'm not willing to entertain".

Where are your boundaries?

Have you clearly set these boundaries or are they figments of your imagination.

I feel like setting boundaries is another way to be authentic and show others that you have integrity in the work that you do (whatever that work is).

The issue has been something I've struggled with for a long time, so I'm excited that I'm feeling ready to take on the task of setting myself up for further success by placing some healthy boundaries.

Now sticking to those boundaries is a whole other blog post :)

Bumps and Bruises

June has been a doozy of a month for me.

I feel like I have been pulled in every direction on every level of my personal and professional life this month.

The month started off on a complete high.  Business booming, public speaking engagements and new adventures planned.  Anticipation for the kids summer vacation to start, hopeful about my families future. 

I was on fire. 

I even started running (something I have never considered doing long term before, me having gigantic boobs and all...). 

Yep, I thought for sure June was going to be MY month...

Cut to today...

Not sleeping much, fearful of what's to come, no confidence, no energy, no motivation, no appetite, no emotion whatsoever!  This has been going on for a couple of weeks now.

I have a 'whatever' kind of attitude right now.  And it's starting to piss me off!

Then I came across this article about the many eclipses we'll experience in the month of June, as well as the summer solstice on the 21st.

And it all becomes a little clearer.

Seriously, it's like being in a dark cave, tripping over rocks and bumping into walls, when suddenly you remember that you packed that flashlight.  Duh?!?!?!

During these extreme energy shifts I sometimes catch myself standing with my hands in the air begging to be spared this horrible existence (who wants to evolve and ascend anyway?), when suddenly, out of nowhere someone smacks me on the back of the head and says 'buck up Chuck, you asked for all of this!'

Ahhhh, riiiiiggghhtt!!!  I DID ask for all of this...

Like during my full moon ritual when I spoke (with great exaggeration I'll admit) that I was willing to release any and all old energy that no longer serves my highest purpose.

That quote about being careful what you wish for has just popped into my head.

I think I'll get that tattooed on my forehead as a constant reminder to keep my mouth shut the next time I utter my willingness to let go of anything I apparently was quite comfortable carrying around...

Identity Theft

"Identity is theft of the self"  ~ Estee Martin

I love finding quotes like this.

So much is being said in so few words.  And for me, this quote nails it on the head (or bangs me on the head, whichever).

This past weekend I had the opportunity to sit with an intuitive and she offered me a message.  The message was "you are already so successful and there will be plenty more of that ahead".

I thought about this message for a while.  It made me happy (of course) and at the same time I questioned it. 

My bank account certainly does not scream SUCCESS.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that my idea of success is so tightly wound up in my career choice and making money that it has become my identity.

This identity has brought me lots of stress.  It has put me in a place of panic and worry in some moments.

It's not all bad though, of course.  I love what I do, that's why I keep doing it!

What I have figured out though, is by attaching to this particular identity (or any identity for that matter), it takes me away from my self.  That true part of my being that wants to relax and enjoy the ride, not fret and worry about how many workshops I have planned or whether or not I will bring in some extra cashola for the family.

True success (and yes I have blogged about this many times before, somehow I think we all need a reminder today) comes from just being.  And I'm pretty good at being, except when I'm not.

Identifying strongly with an occupation, title or purpose has felt like someone stole my true identity, there have been moments of feeling a bit lost and confused, like someone erased my memory of who I was.

Do you ever feel like this?

This 'aha' moment has been like discovering the sacred 'reset' button of life.  It's brought me back to myself where I can check in and see where I need to let go of this identity a little bit (okay, a lot!), so that the real me can shine through, more brilliantly than usual.

Today, I adopt the motto "identification NOT required".  No more placing myself in a box with a label.  No more losing myself in what it is I 'do'.  It's time to lose myself in who it is I am 'being'.

My Childlike Bliss

I am a child in a woman's body.

I like bright colors and finger paint.  I like sparkly jewellery and sundresses.  I like singing out loud and jumping over waves on the beach.  I like tye-dyed t-shirts and pretty scarves.  I like to cut and paste all day long (to the point where my children think this is what I do for a living!)

I am a child.

And I know it.  And anyone who knows me knows it too.

And it bothers me sometimes.  Because there are times when I really need to be a grown up, but honestly I can't seem to find that grown up some days (most days).

It's especially hard in the business world. 

If I could make money dancing around in my garden with daisies in my hair I would. 

Other times I think it's perfectly great for me to allow that child to express herself all over the place despite the eye rolls and looks of disgust from other 'grown ups'.

In my mind, nothings worth doing unless you can have copious amounts of fun doing it.

I remember hearing a biblical verse once that spoke about changing and becoming like children, and how that was a one way ticket into the kingdom of heaven.

Wee hoo!

I'm on my way.

Don't worry, I'll leave room in my suitcase for those of you who just can't make the leap into a childlike state : )

The Power in Me

There is an infinite power that lives within each of us.  It's ours.  We are responsible for it.

So why then do we insist on giving this power away to others?

We all do it.

In fact, I did it just the other day.

In an instant, you can go from being excited and enthusiastic about life to depressed and hopeless.  And all because you decided that someone else had more power over your life than you do yourself.

A phone call this morning reminded me of the importance of keeping our power.

It's important that we not lose sight that we are solely responsible for ourselves. 

Placing blame on someone whether it's because we think they hurt us or because they didn't live up to our expectations in a moment that we needed them to be something they couldn't be; means that we are giving our power over to them.  We have given our power away and we have assumed the role of 'victim'.

This never feels good to the body. 

When you are powerless you will use words that will describe to everyone around you how you have been 'hard done by' or 'victimized' somehow.  Like people are out to get you.  Like people DO things TO you on purpose because you are powerless.

But this is not the real truth.  And to take back your power means simply to make a conscious decision not to let someone else rule your emotional well-being.  It means not letting someone else make decisions for you.  It means becoming responsible for your feelings and being honest with yourself about how willing you were to let your power slip into anothers hands.

It's helpful in every situation that you find yourself losing hope, to take a breath and ask yourself "why do I feel like this?"  "What is happening here that I need to look closer at?"  "Why am I giving my power to someone else?" "What purpose is this serving in my emotional pain body?"

You can give your power over to someone freely if you enjoy feeling like a victim in your life.  9 times out of 10 that other person doesn't want ownership of your power anyway, they barely know how to keep their own to themselves!

It's exciting to me when I recognize where I've given my power to someone.  It gives me an opportunity to make a change and turn things around.  Get my body back into balance and get back into the flow of a happy life.

Where have you given your power away? 

Is today the day you take it back?

I'm pretty sure... I think....

I always love the nights I get to drive my son's girlfriend home.

I'm not sure if he's caught on to my devious plan or not, but I always use the quiet ride home to engage him in conversation.

Usually the conversations turn towards vampire invasions and his thoughts on nuclear war.

But not tonight.

Tonight we had a nice long talk about his future, what it might look like and how he might go about getting that done.

He hates these conversations just about as much as I do.

It totally goes against my 'Live in the Moment' mantra.

Frankly, I'd be happy if he were 4 again.  Happily playing with his Lego's and announcing to us that he would one day work for the Lego company designing projects.

But he's not 4, he's 17.  And in 2 years he'll be off to college to do God only knows what.  And that 2 years are going to fly by like nobody's business!

I carefully balanced the conversation between asking him questions and explaining what 'real life' will look like if certain steps aren't taken shortly.

I wish society didn't need kids to be ready at 18 to make the life decision of 'what to do when I grow up'.  Heck, I'm teetering on 39 and even I don't know what I want to be when I grow up!

I'm 99.9% sure that everything is going to be fine.  It has to be.  And if it isn't, then that's just the way it is.

I'd feel better if I could take a look into a crystal ball, just to be sure.

Worthy of Ebay?

You are never going to guess what I found in my potato bag tonight....

Well...yes....a potato...

But your never going to guess what shape the potato had....

Well....no....not the Virgin Mary....

Something better

No...not the face of Jesus...

Gosh, you people suck at this guessing stuff....

It's a Heart!!!

You know God loves you when you get a gift like this as you are grumbling about having to make dinner :)

It's potato love :)

I wonder if I could sell it on Ebay?

Anyone know how to preserve a potato for eternity?

Suggestions welcome :)